So, I have toyed with the idea of blogging for some time
now. It has been one of those things that I considered would be fun to do, but
which I was not in a position to make a priority in my life. And there’s a reason for that.
Three and a half years ago, I was diagnosed with CFS/ME, and it turned my
life upside down. Everything I knew and everything I believed about myself
changed, literally overnight. I was no elite athlete, nor did I lead a perfect
life, but I was pretty healthy and pretty happy.
After 8 months of trying to keep going, trying to keep
pushing, working 2 days and being ill for 2 weeks thereafter – and trying to
survive like this – I just couldn’t do it anymore. I lost my savings, trying to
cover financially for what I could no longer work. I lost trust from my
students and co-workers that I could be relied upon, to be there and to be
“functioning”. I lost many of my friends – friends who couldn’t see or accept
that I was on a downward spiral for which I had very little control, and that I
could no longer keep up the activities and commitments I had previously taken
on. But worse than any of that – I lost my hope. I lost my hope that things
would ever get better for me, that I would ever regain my health, that I would
ever “live” again, in the broader sense.
This blog will focus on “life” – everything in life –
because that’s what having a chronic illness affects… everything. But in some
ways, this is a different approach. Generally I find there are two main
approaches to chronic illness:
1. The literal view – By this I mean focusing on
“survival”.
2. The philosophical view – Trying to see everything metaphorically.
I believe that both of these approaches are merely ways
of coping. And I too have taken each of those paths at various stages
throughout my experience with CFS/ME. But the view I have chosen to take is
what I call the “whole” view. Parts of it are literal, parts are philosophical,
practical, reflective… and who is to know what other direction. However, the
whole aim is to MOVE FORWARD.
We have to face the hard, cold reality. Some people
recover from CFS/ME (or any other chronic illness), some do not. Some can
manage it and lead a somewhat ‘normal’ life, some are not so lucky. Regardless
of where you lay on that continuum, you suffer in your own way. It’s not easy
to live with a chronic illness. Nor is it easy to have people, in their
attempts to ‘help’ you, tell you that others have it worse. Suffering is
suffering, no matter the degree. Just because one is in a worse position than
you, doesn’t mean that you don’t feel pain, and you don’t suffer. Your greater purpose though, has to become
creating a wonderful life REGARDLESS of the adversity you face.
It’s so important that we all get to that point where we
stop seeing only the suffering, and we find a way to etch out a new path in
life – one that uses what we have to it’s maximum – no matter how little or how
much we actually have. I’ve found one of the keys to “getting through” to be
finding a purpose. Finding meaning in my life. Finding myself, and finding what
it is that really makes me happy, and focusing on those things. It’s been a
rough ride – and I’m still continuing along that bumpy old track (are we ever
done?) – but slowly I’m learning more about myself, my illness, and how to deal
with it in a way that allows me to progress in my life. I am rebuilding my life
– right from the foundations. And I’m planning on creating solid foundations;
foundations that will support me if – God forbid – I find myself spiraling
downward again into the mess and haze that is a relapse in CFS/ME.
My hope is that by sharing my experiences, somebody out
there will find even the smallest amount of comfort in knowing that somebody
understands what they are experiencing. I also hope that by sharing in this
blog, somebody may find that little spark again and be able to refocus and
create a great life for themselves, despite their chronic illness.
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